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| I've always believed that dreams have some meaning behind them. And I really think it is true. I don't just have dreams anymore. I have nightmares. Repetitive nightmares of my parents torturing me or wanting me to die and them always telling me I'm not good enough for anything. They're not just plain nightmares I can forget once it's over, though. It sometimes also feels like my living reality. Sometimes I really wonder if they really are just not capable of being "good/caring parents" or is it because they are like most other traditional asian parents who are more reliant on strict discipline when raising their children? They keep telling me I will never understand unless I become a parent myself. With certain things like learning to be independent...I will be the same as them. I will expect my children to do things themselves. I will not baby them and spoil them. But I will not expect them to do EVERYTHING themselves either. I'd nurture them like most parents should. And I certainly will not act stuck up like everything I say or do is right and they're always below me. Never. I've been raised through that environment and I know how much it sucks to go through that road. I'd treat them more like a friend so then they'd see me the same way. Then we'd be a real "family." I want to do that because as a child and now...I've never been really close to my parents. They're the authority and I have to obey. Although over the years I learned to find my way around their rules and things I don't believe in, it still caused a rift in the relationship between my parents and me. Honestly, I don't know if the rift will ever disappear unless they let go of their pride and start treating me more like an equal. Maybe they will in the future when I am older...but I know there are certain things I will never agree with them.
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| I love my cell phone. It's sooo handy. Today my parents were upstairs while I was downstairs and they were trying to say something except I couldn't hear them, so I called the house, and we talked on the phone. lmao. That gets the message across pretty well. :] Andddd I don't need to walk upstairs to hear what they have to say and they don't need to come downstairs. :D
Another thing...New Year's Resolutions...I should make one now or else I'd forget.
1. Get a job again...I need it pretty badly at the rate that I spend my money earned over the summer...
2. Have lots of fun in my last year of high school. :)
3. Pass all my classes with at least a B-. [grades don't really matter anymore for me. woohooo!]
4. Pass my driving test
5. Get some scholarships hopefully
6. Paint more.
7. Keep my room clean and organized. lolol.
8. Not go out to eat that much anymore. And definitelyyy try to stay away from Starbucks
9. Work out more
10. Secret ;)
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| It's not that I want to be this way. But you just make it so hard for me sometimes with all your threats and fights. I'm really sick of it all. To the point where I don't even want to acknowledge you as my parents anymore. I know it's cruel, but the way you've raised me [or did not raise me] was terrible. Always mentally abusing me, telling me how worthless and in debt I am, and how I'm created by you so I owe you and will owe you forever as long as you live. Hearing all of this all the time makes me feel so disgusted. Not only by you but also by myself, because in a way, I guess I started believing everything.
So I deserve to be beaten and punished, right? Although you don't physically beat me, it hurts just as much with the way you say it and how often you say it. It sometimes makes me wonder if maybe one day you will give in to your desires and start physically abusing me. I think this way because you don't love me, and I know it. You've even said so yourself since I was 5 that the only reason why you raise me is so I can take care of you when I grow up. So in other words, you only love yourself.
"Blood is thicker than water." But not for me. My friends really are my everything, no matter how often you say "family is the most important." The word "family" does not really exist in my dictionary, at least not yet. And because of all that I've gone through, although I'm young, sometimes I do wonder if my own family in the future will make up for what I lacked in my childhood.
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| Happy Thanksgiving everyone. =)
I am so thankful for so many things, and above all, for having such great friends. I love you all.
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| I can't help but feel discouraged. Every effort I've made seems to be worthless. Nothing I do seems to make things better. I've been trying to just quit feeling sorry for myself and instead try harder to make changes, but now...I don't know what's left. My motivation is semi gone for some reason. I'm back to the old me who gets up at 4AM to do homework. I don't have my priorities straight anymore. I'm such a mess.
All my studying for gov was also wasted. Because of his weird AP scale...the highest I can get this marking period is a B+. I was only 0.17 points away from that A+! I was pissed as hell. I studied my ass off for that class in hopes of getting an A+, but I failed myself. And I'm getting so discouraged about colleges...I probably won't get anywhere in life. I don't know where all this pessimism came from but I guess maybe it's because of a build-up of stress and disappointments. I've been disappointing myself a lot lately. I just got a 66 on my calc quiz that I thought I aced...I made a shitload of careless mistakes and that brought me down a ton of points. I honestly am starting to doubt my own intelligence if I even have any. I've been labeled as the dumb "aznblondie" for years now...before it was kind of funny but now it's not anymore. It's a trait that always hinders me from being better. I wish I can have more common sense...to be able to do better in school and such. But I can't. I don't know why. I'm at a point of exasperation now. I'm so worried about my SAT scores coming on Thursday and I fear of failing my driving test again. I failed my driving test...no one else I know failed...everyone told me how easy it was, but you know what? I failed on the spot. The lady not only gave me a shove but also gave me a big F on my pink slip.
The college essays are really killing me too...12...that's a ton. I gave one of my rough drafts to my dad to read and he told me how much it sucked. I know it sucked. I can't help it. And I also gave him my college resume filled with all my activities...he told me how stupid half of them were. He said it was very dull. The only thing I feel is I can't help that I suck at life.
I'm sorry I'm so negative in this entry. I just need to rant.
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